Visited my friends' new baby yesterday. Lots of time holding him, telling him about the world. He is very sweet and I am very happy for my friends....
But, it was hard....
5 times, the number of times I almost broke down crying.
Keep it in....Keep it in...Don't cry...Don't cry.
But then later, it wells up, the tears come. I will never see the toes of my babies. I will never smell their new baby smell. Never feel their tiny fingers wrap around mine. Never get to whisper the beauties and wonders of the world to them. Never sing to them.
Ohhhh.....how I used to dream of singing all the silly nursery rhymes to my child, of making up our own silly versions.
How do I live with this sadness? Where letting my heart share others joy also breaks down the walls to prevent the hurt?
At times, I just want to wall myself off, to become a hermit. To live in isolation, but I also know that while that will satisfy for days, weeks...perhaps a month or two....it will only lead me to more dissatisfaction. I cannot keep those I love at arms length because loving them causes me pain. I don't know how to reconcile this.
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