Stray Thougths

I wish I could put up a mental wall, a barrier to stop the stray thoughts that bring my to my knees with sadness.

I was in a wonderful mood. Happy, dancing around the house. Ready to face the week.

It is snowing. I was checking the radar, and then it came....the memory of a perfect moment in time.

It was snowing. My then boyfriend and I were snuggled in bed, making a list of potential baby names. I wrote it down in a journal. A perfect moment...and I will always have this moment.


And now, I do have that perfect moment, but it now comes with such pain. That stray thought has me in tears, which I must wipe off. The day I must face seems dimmer now.

Perhaps being totally alone for three days makes me more vulnerable to the stray thoughts.


Damn it.

Good

New is good. Busy is good. Looking forward is good.

Tomorrow I start my new job at the Kansas Biological Survey.
It has been a week of goodbyes and hellos as I move from St. Louis to Lawrence.

And - there is great energy from the people in Lawrence. People I didn't even know, genuinely expressing their happiness at my new job, their delight at me being here. I have felt so drawn down by stupid drama on facebook, by people not getting along, by people looking for the worst in what is said and done.....the contrast was really telling.

And I haven't been sad for days. I mean - yes, sad to be leaving my friends and family in St. Louis. Sad to be moving from a place that has felt like home. But not sad about my situation in life. Not sad because of the great hole in my heart.

So....yeah....maybe there is a way forward that isn't always shadowed by loss, want, and despair.

Things to Remember

Saturday night was emotionally draining, visiting A's baby for the first time. Sunday I didn't want to be around people. My roommates however talked me into...well, encouraged me, to going to another friend's birthday party. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to be around people. I didn't know if I had the emotional energy to go and to have fun.

But I did have fun. 

I put on my best out-going self. I let myself be loose and light and funny.

I need to remember. Two things I need to remember. 

(1) Be around people. Solitude is good and a state I like to be in. But, when I am feeling really down, being around people is needed. Needed to help me get out of my own head. 

(2) Be outside. On Thursday night, I went to the Botanical Gardens with M and her mom. Being out in nature also brings me peace and pulls me out of my own head. 

Keep it in, Hold it together

Visited my friends' new baby yesterday. Lots of time holding him, telling him about the world. He is very sweet and I am very happy for my friends....

But, it was hard....

5 times, the number of times I almost broke down crying.

Keep it in....Keep it in...Don't cry...Don't cry.

But then later, it wells up, the tears come. I will never see the toes of my babies. I will never smell their new baby smell. Never feel their tiny fingers wrap around mine. Never get to whisper the beauties and wonders of the world to them. Never sing to them.

Ohhhh.....how I used to dream of singing all the silly nursery rhymes to my child, of making up our own silly versions.

How do I live with this sadness? Where letting my heart share others joy also breaks down the walls to prevent the hurt?

At times, I just want to wall myself off, to become a hermit. To live in isolation, but I also know that while that will satisfy for days, weeks...perhaps a month or two....it will only lead me to more dissatisfaction. I cannot keep those I love at arms length because loving them causes me pain. I don't know how to reconcile this.

First Day of School

First Day of School pictures.....my Facebook feed is full of them. Pre-Kindergarten to seniors in high school. Soon the college pictures will start up as well. 

I will never have this....no pictures of the kids by the front door, no worries about how my child will do on their first day, how the bus ride is. No back to school shopping to pick out the perfect first day outfit. No lunches to pack with encouraging notes inside. No teacher-parent conferences. No helping with homework.

Right now, I am in a place of transition....it has been my life for the past 4 or 5 years to be honest. Right now, I am getting ready to leave one town to move to another. I have friends in both. I am leaving a living situation where I am surrounded by people and puppahs who love me, and I am going to miss them all so much. So .... 

I don't want this to be all about self-pity of what I don't have. I want to make it also forward looking to think about how to fill the empty space with goodness and light. I think my life being in flux is making the difficult. There is so much unknown about how my life will be different in two weeks, imagining it all is beyond what I feel capable. 

So I will end with this photo....new beginnings, new possibilities....